Friday, October 5, 2012

A Hundred and Fifty Years in One Hundred and Fifty Seconds

I've been a bit distracted from my favorite issue by the election, so I thought a return to it would be fun. Enjoy. 

I really see where Darwin was coming from, what with his 19th century understanding of biology: 

"The cell is a blob of goo. What's there to understand? Obviously what's really important are the larger forms those blobs of goo take. And they seem to change in completely random ways. It must be random, because that's the explanation people use when they don't understand something. It's all based on blobs of goo anyway. What if some of those random changes actually helped the larger form out? What if it helped it out so much that all the ladies wanted to screw it more than the other guys? He would have more children. I know that something or other gets passed down to the children. (We have no idea what until the 20th century when suddenly everyone realizes we were scooped by a single Christian monk growing peas in his backyard fifty years ago and we refused to listen to him. How embarrassing for us.) That means this form change gets passed on to more forms, who do more screwing, and eventually voila! The whole population changes."

Then they had a crisis on their hands but eventually were able to meld Darwin with Mendel somewhat successfully, at which point every progressive person believed everything is in your genes and proceeded to argue that Christian morals and compassion is destructive to Darwin's prophecy, which foretold the evolution of mankind to a higher race. Better get rid of all the bad genes, which are mostly concentrated in those half apes that live in Harlem and that money grubbing subhuman species that everybody hates. We're just doing the whole human race a favor anyway. Then along comes Hitler who gives all the progressives a bad name, both by being a massive dick generally and also by beating them to their own logical conclusion, and all of the sudden progressives realize they had better start preaching peace and love and "We love black people now, honest!" or everyone will hate them. But of course they still want black people to kill their babies, and they start killing their own babies too just to make it look good. And they still hate Jews. Amazingly enough, the Jews hate themselves enough to vote for them. 

In the midst of all this comes a little discovery called DNA which blows the whole thing out of the water. Suddenly we know exactly how things are passed down to the next generation, and it's not at all like what Darwin thought. There's a code, a language, and all of it coding for a complex dance of finely tuned molecular machines with minuscule copy errors causing terrible problems and diseases. The cell isn't just a blob of goo after all but the heart and soul of biology. Darwinists struggled to keep the faith, arguing that these errors in the coding language are just what Darwin was talking about all along! But the hits keep coming, and soon we are at the point where we can use microbes to measure tens of thousands of generations of reproduction, enough to model a few million years of human evolution, and all we've ever seen are more errors. And so ends the epic tale of an interesting but short-lived religion. I'll miss the whole "There is no god but Science and Darwin is his prophet" schtick, but all good things must come to an end. 

Meanwhile conservatives were all like, "Wtf is this? We're going to go over here now. Let us know when the freak show is over." Well, it's over. Welcome to the desert of the real baby. It's been a long time coming.